You might have heard this "India has lowest divorce rate" a lot, a lot. In India, marriage is thought to be for life, and the divorce rate is extremely low.
Does that mean that Indian marriages are successful? The honest answer is no, nada, nicht.
Marriage shall be a success, only if the parties involved are happy, shouldnt be based on societal pressure, family pressure.
Parties should be couple, and the byproduct of their relationship the kids, there is no point in calling it as a success if any of these isnt happy.
Indian arranged marriages - marriage between 1000 social entities instead of two souls.
In-laws doesnt need to love the couple, friends doesnt need to love the couple, the society doesnt need to love the couple, the church doesnt need to love the couple to call it a success, the couple need to love each other.
In west,
Divorce rate is inversely proportional to marriage success rate.
Higher divorce rate maybe a bad thing, but you have only one life and you cant sacrifice your happiness and life you deserve to something in black and white.
In east,
Divorce rate is inversely proportional to women suppression.
Higher divorce rate is actually a thing to be welcomed in India because it translates to more freedom and more liberation - more empowerment for women.
Indian Arranged marriage:
Marriage is the debt every kid owes to their Indian parents and procreation is compound interest for the debt they owe to parents.
Marriage is not a choice and partner isnt a choice either.
Many people do the mistake of linking arranged marriage to dating in the west. No, dating and arranged marriage arent same.
Parents dont allow the couple to date unless they are engaged and their marriage date is fixed. That is not courtship or dating, that is visiting your future spouse in front of vigilante. And there is no option of calling it off by the couple, only parents hold the rights, could be pennyshort in dowry or wrong color chosen for the father-in-law or missing pearl in mother-in-law's gift.
Dating: You date a person and you marry that person.
You create your profile, you choose your partner or prospect based on height, weight, compatibility, interests and hobbies and your choose based on what you need and what would make you happy.
You date for a while and if it works out, you declare yourself as a couple after a while in papers and go on and if it turns sour you try to work it out, and if it fails, you separate in a very civilised manner.
Arranged marriage: A family rates you and you are married to that family.
Your parents create your profile or type your biodata and circulate the same, and partner is chosen based on caste, religion, horoscope, family background, profession of parents and assests parents own.
And agreeable terms right from dowry, who gets what after parent's demise, and what is expected from the bride, some cultures shall conduct the bride interview and rate her based on the way she walks, sing, and dance, and play instrument and hair texture, skin tone and all such. The bridegroom maynt have a say in that.
It is pathetic and humiliating and especially to the to-be-bride.
And non-virgin brides and divorcees and widows are total outcasts, they cant even have traditional wedding, forget that they shall not be allowed to attend any traditional wedding. But this isnt applicable to the men - widowers or divorced men or even diseased men - herpes infected men arent quarantined.
True story :
Mine is a love marriage yet my father-in-law asked my parents to plan for wedding in the month of June, because he wanted our kids to be born around school year so that no intermediate month is wasted. Did I blew you away?
For a while he used to dictate via phone the menu for the whole week I need to cook. And around thursday he would send me mail with plans and schedule for me to follow for the following weekend. No, I wasnt born in 40s, 50s, 60s or 70s.
Let me stop here, or else my kids may never even get a date for being born to Indian parents. No, I dont have stash in my basement or menu box instead of recipe box for my future daughters-in-law :)
Taboo with divorce :
I would like to sugarcoat and say the parties stay together because they have high moral standards or they are committed or they stay together for the kids. But I would be lying. Based on several incidents I had seen and had to endure, I can honestly say that is the mask used to inject and infect with guilt.
Divorce could be due to anything, yet it would normally be seen as failure on the parent part (ie in-laws), so no parent would encourage that, instead they would want their kids to endure the pain and suffering. They would force them to stay together. And many couple stay together and dont break their marriage instead their spew their hatred and frustration on their kids and gossip and hate people.
First, divorcees are looked down upon, grass widows are spewed with more hatred than widows. Any widow (grass widow or widow) trying to get on with life and looking for another partner is seen and labelled as a amorist.
Sorry for the blunt usuage of words but that is the raw truth.
And all the more, kids of divorced parents become unsellable in marriage trade too. Not just kids, even the siblings.
So, just like the pressure from all sides to marry the chosen partner, the same forces shall put same pressure on the then married couple to stay together even if they cant stand each other.
Men in arranged marriage:
Men arent given complete free ticket either. Divorced men, widower may have little trouble settling for a woman without a compromise.
Indian Men - the chief commodity in the marriage trade. One other reason why Indian men dont go for creative jobs and they arent allowed to pursue what interests them. They become unsellable in the trade.
A musician or an athlete maynt be allowed to pursue his career in those fields, because in case he doesnt become a cricket player - the only successful profession for athletes in India, or a movie music composer, there is no future and the parents maynt be able to find a partner for them.
And even scientists, no scope for them, finding prospects for them is a huge deal. An ISRO scientist looses his in auction with doctors and engineers.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
1. Non-divorced Indian marriages arent happily ever after.
2. Divorce is not failure of marriage same way non-divorce isnt success either.
Marrying a log handpicked by parents and to feel proud your manhood by axeing the log? Tying a knot on the punchbag and claiming your adulthood by punching that often?
Marrying a virgin muted cindrella babymaker who cant spell isnt a challenge and that isnt life.
Letting your parents pick your partner? Do you think with your ...?
Your silver, golden, diamond jubilee is a thing of shame. Celebrating your victory as wifebeater and childabuser? Instead of being disgusted, how do you celebrate the suppression and abuse?
------------------
Marrying a woman who can think,
who believes in herself,
who enjoys your companionship,
who can earn her own bread,
is the real challenge and a thing to be proud about. Having life and babies with her completes life.
Sharing and caring responsibility is the attractive thing in a man.
She might have seen many men, yet she chose you and decided to spend her life with you, because you are worth it.
Your silver, golden, diamond jubilee is worth celebrating and deserves a medal for being a good husband, or good father.
Does that mean that Indian marriages are successful? The honest answer is no, nada, nicht.
Marriage shall be a success, only if the parties involved are happy, shouldnt be based on societal pressure, family pressure.
Parties should be couple, and the byproduct of their relationship the kids, there is no point in calling it as a success if any of these isnt happy.
Indian arranged marriages - marriage between 1000 social entities instead of two souls.
In-laws doesnt need to love the couple, friends doesnt need to love the couple, the society doesnt need to love the couple, the church doesnt need to love the couple to call it a success, the couple need to love each other.
In west,
Divorce rate is inversely proportional to marriage success rate.
Higher divorce rate maybe a bad thing, but you have only one life and you cant sacrifice your happiness and life you deserve to something in black and white.
In east,
Divorce rate is inversely proportional to women suppression.
Higher divorce rate is actually a thing to be welcomed in India because it translates to more freedom and more liberation - more empowerment for women.
Indian Arranged marriage:
Marriage is the debt every kid owes to their Indian parents and procreation is compound interest for the debt they owe to parents.
Marriage is not a choice and partner isnt a choice either.
Many people do the mistake of linking arranged marriage to dating in the west. No, dating and arranged marriage arent same.
Parents dont allow the couple to date unless they are engaged and their marriage date is fixed. That is not courtship or dating, that is visiting your future spouse in front of vigilante. And there is no option of calling it off by the couple, only parents hold the rights, could be pennyshort in dowry or wrong color chosen for the father-in-law or missing pearl in mother-in-law's gift.
Dating: You date a person and you marry that person.
You create your profile, you choose your partner or prospect based on height, weight, compatibility, interests and hobbies and your choose based on what you need and what would make you happy.
You date for a while and if it works out, you declare yourself as a couple after a while in papers and go on and if it turns sour you try to work it out, and if it fails, you separate in a very civilised manner.
Arranged marriage: A family rates you and you are married to that family.
Your parents create your profile or type your biodata and circulate the same, and partner is chosen based on caste, religion, horoscope, family background, profession of parents and assests parents own.
And agreeable terms right from dowry, who gets what after parent's demise, and what is expected from the bride, some cultures shall conduct the bride interview and rate her based on the way she walks, sing, and dance, and play instrument and hair texture, skin tone and all such. The bridegroom maynt have a say in that.
It is pathetic and humiliating and especially to the to-be-bride.
And non-virgin brides and divorcees and widows are total outcasts, they cant even have traditional wedding, forget that they shall not be allowed to attend any traditional wedding. But this isnt applicable to the men - widowers or divorced men or even diseased men - herpes infected men arent quarantined.
True story :
Mine is a love marriage yet my father-in-law asked my parents to plan for wedding in the month of June, because he wanted our kids to be born around school year so that no intermediate month is wasted. Did I blew you away?
For a while he used to dictate via phone the menu for the whole week I need to cook. And around thursday he would send me mail with plans and schedule for me to follow for the following weekend. No, I wasnt born in 40s, 50s, 60s or 70s.
Let me stop here, or else my kids may never even get a date for being born to Indian parents. No, I dont have stash in my basement or menu box instead of recipe box for my future daughters-in-law :)
Taboo with divorce :
I would like to sugarcoat and say the parties stay together because they have high moral standards or they are committed or they stay together for the kids. But I would be lying. Based on several incidents I had seen and had to endure, I can honestly say that is the mask used to inject and infect with guilt.
Divorce could be due to anything, yet it would normally be seen as failure on the parent part (ie in-laws), so no parent would encourage that, instead they would want their kids to endure the pain and suffering. They would force them to stay together. And many couple stay together and dont break their marriage instead their spew their hatred and frustration on their kids and gossip and hate people.
First, divorcees are looked down upon, grass widows are spewed with more hatred than widows. Any widow (grass widow or widow) trying to get on with life and looking for another partner is seen and labelled as a amorist.
Sorry for the blunt usuage of words but that is the raw truth.
And all the more, kids of divorced parents become unsellable in marriage trade too. Not just kids, even the siblings.
So, just like the pressure from all sides to marry the chosen partner, the same forces shall put same pressure on the then married couple to stay together even if they cant stand each other.
Men in arranged marriage:
Men arent given complete free ticket either. Divorced men, widower may have little trouble settling for a woman without a compromise.
Indian Men - the chief commodity in the marriage trade. One other reason why Indian men dont go for creative jobs and they arent allowed to pursue what interests them. They become unsellable in the trade.
A musician or an athlete maynt be allowed to pursue his career in those fields, because in case he doesnt become a cricket player - the only successful profession for athletes in India, or a movie music composer, there is no future and the parents maynt be able to find a partner for them.
And even scientists, no scope for them, finding prospects for them is a huge deal. An ISRO scientist looses his in auction with doctors and engineers.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
1. Non-divorced Indian marriages arent happily ever after.
2. Divorce is not failure of marriage same way non-divorce isnt success either.
Marrying a log handpicked by parents and to feel proud your manhood by axeing the log? Tying a knot on the punchbag and claiming your adulthood by punching that often?
Marrying a virgin muted cindrella babymaker who cant spell isnt a challenge and that isnt life.
Letting your parents pick your partner? Do you think with your ...?
Your silver, golden, diamond jubilee is a thing of shame. Celebrating your victory as wifebeater and childabuser? Instead of being disgusted, how do you celebrate the suppression and abuse?
------------------
Marrying a woman who can think,
who believes in herself,
who enjoys your companionship,
who can earn her own bread,
is the real challenge and a thing to be proud about. Having life and babies with her completes life.
Sharing and caring responsibility is the attractive thing in a man.
She might have seen many men, yet she chose you and decided to spend her life with you, because you are worth it.
Your silver, golden, diamond jubilee is worth celebrating and deserves a medal for being a good husband, or good father.
Yeah I'd figure the situation was a lot like couples in pre-60's America where if you didn't like your marriage then they just put up with it. Then they grew up to be that really nasty old married couple everyone can't stand.
ReplyDeleteI know so annoying! It's like just because you aren't happy in your situation why are you ruining things for others.........
DeleteYou can say that again. I have seen in my own circle, the ladies and the men of the household are grumpy all the time and their favorite pasttime is to gossip and judge others.
DeleteInstead of going separate ways, they try to tolerate by staying together.
Think about proton and proton in the nucleus. Indian houses arent big either.
Yeah I would never want to be in any arranged marriage or let someone else pick for me, rather be single all my life then by unhappy in some crap relationship. Divorce is a pain, but it can sometimes be better in the end, nice woman write up there at the end too, where can I find one? lol
ReplyDeleteYou deserve a much more better woman Pat. Who are a true delight and an awesome guy, shouldnt be tough to find a nice woman, give your OCD a little break and explore more. :)
DeleteThat sounds pretty miserable for both the man and the woman. I know I sure as hell wouldn't want to just be married off to anyone, no matter how subservient she was to me, and no matter how hot she was. That only goes so far.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I laughed at the father-in-law phoning in a menu. Did you follow it?
My in-laws, meanwhile, are WAY too nice. Right now, because money is tight, we're staying in a house that they own. They don't live there, but they own it. So when they visit, my mother-in-law always asks questions like, "Oh, is it okay if I move this so I can clean?" Or "Is it okay if I use your stove to cook something?" And I tell her, "This is your house! You can do whatever you want! You don't have to ask me!"
Subservient is mandatory Bryan. :)
DeleteYep, I tried to be a textbook Indian daughter-in-law and Indian wife for a while. See I am a feminist, so ideal Indian feminist daughter-in-law sounds like Russian name all unrelated alphabets put together and spelt.
I did follow his menu, he thought he was helping me by showing me to right way to live, when he extended his expectation, I kind of lost it. He asked me to buy raw wheat and dry it and get it ground to wheat flour to prepare roti, I told him about winter and all stuff, but it didnt help. So, I chose to be a bad daughter-in-law and be a practical person.
You are lucky. They sound so sweet.
I really like how you wrote this, I wondered how it really all worked, the true nitty gritty of it all. I think once a couple has tried all they can try in their marriage and still can't make it work, then divorce is the answer, but I think sometimes people just give up to easily these days when it gets tough...
ReplyDeleteIndian non-divorce marriages are worse than anything. You can even see couples living under same roof for decades and they would have only countable number of sex and refrained from having sex after alteractions but due to taboo and societal pressure they dont divorce.
DeleteMy heart goes out to the young people of India who must live under this tradition. Such a sad fate to be shackled to someone not of your own choosing that can treat you as they please knowing full well that you won't leave. Very sad and time for a change I think.
ReplyDeleteWhen you realise three things:
Delete1)The concept of arranged marriages has stuck around for thousands of years (no shit.)
2)We Indians are too proud of our tradition and heritage (even though it sucks at points, like untouchability)
3)Love marriage couples actually get killed because they go against the laws set by some 1000-yr old freak, and because they break certain intangible 'marriage laws',
you see that all freedom for our lives is lost, and all hope is gone already.
Thank God I was born in the land of Freedom (America) I am an independent women and don't give a crap of what others think of my choice Thank God for America!!!!!!!!!
Delete@Anne
DeleteI agree with you, having seen those cases in close circles, kinda scared me and has scarred me for life. Cant even imagine.
@Kbbuddingwriter
DeleteBravo. I dont understand this "pride" and "heritage" thing at all. See ancient Indian culture didnt have all this, the ancient woman and culture was pretty flexible. The current "heritage" is the mutant child of mugal and british migration to India, why would they stick with it, even if it takes the whole nation down the drain, I wouldnt know. :(
It was the same in the Republic of Ireland for a long time with the power of the church and divorce banned, things are a little better now!
ReplyDeleteI always think Ireland as magical land of rainbows and leprechans, this is news and good to know that things have changed for good.
Deletemarriage, the final frontier. scary stuff indeed ha. Glad the divorce/freedom rates in India are higher than I imagined.
ReplyDeleteI welcome higher rate in divorce rate as well. Nowadays I am happy to see divorced women getting remarried earlier they were treated lke outcasts and failed human beings.
DeleteI welcome this change.
Very interesting, knew about the arranged marriages, but not any detail on the depth and lasting repercussions. I would love to hear more about your father-in-laws menu, did you do it?
ReplyDeleteMy parents are still together, but I know many couples who are just better people and parents divorced. The children are normal, because it was a mutual thing that it couldn't work together but kept the respect. They are unique cases.
I like making people happy, and I realise sometimes the best way to make people happy is to let them go.
Yep, I did follow my father-in-law's called in menus for a while. And later his controlfreakiness went out of bounds. He even complained to hubby saying that I wasnt thanking him for calling in menus and giving me timetable/schedule for the week.
DeleteHis list to do will have below
- Wash the house
- Do pooja
- Fasting on Monday, Thursday and full moon , halfmoon
- apply paste made from fenugreek after soaking instead of clearsil
Dont dust those memories Rusty :)
And people ask me why I am scared to visit my in-laws. Is that a trick question?
DeleteQuite honestly, I am shocked. Arranged marriages were starting to sound appealing to me, based on what friends told me about them. "My parents marriage was arranged, and they are very happy with each other. It's a stable and secure relationship." Stuff like that. I even thought about going through it myself. If the heart couldn't be trusted, surely the minds of those I love, and love me, could be trusted. Of course, the very idea of something like choosing my mate for me made my parents laugh. They called me lazy, and went on with their day.
ReplyDeleteYeah I agree with your parents you are lazy!
Deletehahaha. Lazy? I kinda agree with you. Finding partner is hardwork Nellie but think about your mom finding a guy for you that she would like.
DeleteThat is scary right?
If you're married but sleep in separate houses, does that still count as a successful marriage?
ReplyDeleteThis was a really informative post. And I agree, you shouldn't marry someone as an object, but as a unique individual with his/her own thoughts.
What about plural marriages? As long as they're all happy, right? And if someone can be married to three people for 20 years, that's worthy of praise, right?
And if someone married to a pickle... that's an achievement. Wait, did I just type what I was thinking? ;)
DeleteIndian marriages cant even sleep in different rooms, husband will sleep in bedroom and wife shall sleep in kitchen or in living room or with her kids. Yep and they call that as successful marriage. I dont know why.
DeleteI am all in favor of plural marriages. As long as it isnt polygamy, it is fine. Have seen and heard people hitting jackpot with "the one" around third time or fourth time.
Kinda renting a house. Sometimes age, location and mentality makes it work like a charm :)
@RCB
DeleteGood one. LOL.
Y'know, maybe it's because of my upbringing...but whatever happened to just be happy and live your life?
ReplyDeleteEven in the face of family, one should live to bring honor to their name and their parents name, that's true...but to live for love would be grander.
Meh, I also dislike organizations, political parties, and anyone else who attempts to gain power over others. Become strong of your own actions and honor, gain wealth by the sweat of your own strength, that kinda thing.
...gah, I've been very anti-political and anti-corporate as of late. x_X; Suffice it to say, a persons' choice should always and ever be exactly that - that persons' and that persons' only. Yeah, society is going to frown upon it, but I'd rather be happy than regretful at any point in time of my life personally...and would wish the same for others, if I wasn't such an asshole. <3
True that BFB.
DeleteCarve this in gold.
" a persons' choice should always and ever be exactly that - that persons' and that persons' only. Yeah, society is going to frown upon it, but I'd rather be happy than regretful at any point in time of my life personally"
so agree..i am a muslim woman that 30 years ago met a hindu man the love of my life and we were together for 4 wonderful years but were too scared to tell our parents as they were so conservative.Ultimately i did what was expected and married a boy of my parents choice and my 'soulmate' moved on and married also. But we were never truly happy and now after 3 kids and 20 years married i by chance met my soulmate again and nothing changed we realised how stupid we were ..he was unhappy and so was i even though my husband was and is a good man but the love was never there i did what i had to for family and society...well long story short..im getting a divorce ..sad i know as kids are involved but this is the price i am paying for sacrificing my happiness. But i vow my children will never have to endure an arranged marriage its a curse !
DeleteI think that our divorce rate here in US is around 50%. Its sad but true that the pressures of surviving in our society with children and job prospects is difficult.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that arranged marriages are a holdover from ancient times that have survived by virtue of "well, we always did it that way". If divorce is possible with the arranged marriage, what is the divorce rate with that system?
I dont have the exact statistics for that one. But I would say that love marriages carries the courage to break off if it doesnt work out.
DeleteWhereas in arranged marriage just like the wedding which didnt have the choice, they dont have choice to end the relationship as well, it shall be seen as failure of the parent so the couple first wouldnt want to splitup, as lame attempt to not disappoint their parents and even if they try, parents wouldnt welcome that.
I'm glad I'm not Indian and choose my own wife. I have chosen wisely by the way!
ReplyDeleteI am so jealous of you I absolutely detest my Indian heritage!
DeleteHey Dan,
DeleteYou had debited your share of pot of gold with Mrs.WorkingDan. Lucky, intelligent choice.
@anonymous
DeleteWho are you?, looks like you had been by surrogate here :) Thanks for your service? ;)
Excellent post! Sad state but very true. A very beautiful picture on your header by the way. Cheers, Ruby
ReplyDeleteThanks Ruby. It was all Satricial blog's G's grace. :)
DeleteSo many of my friends struggling to make parents understand why they can't just marry somebody because family/religion/wealth status match. I actually thought things would have changed by now, but certainly not for the people I know.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help smiling when I read the part about your father-in-law and the school year. I'm going to use that next time my Dad starts the "what's-your-plan?" conversation.
:)
hahaha. I could write a book about my father-in-law. He kinda lived his life secluded , far away from home, he hasnt caught up with reality yet.
DeleteLet me try to find the mail he sent with instructions with plan and schedule and stuff for my kid's future.
Wow, none of this gets reported in any serious way to those of us living in the U.S.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your views and thoughts about this. I am happy that I can choose my partner but sadly some women don't have that choice still as parents still consider them as pawns or goods in the bargaining table. As I live in Canada, living in together and divorces are fairly accepted. If I lived elsewhere, I can understand it is taboo and not allowed. Interesting cultural practices ~
ReplyDeleteHeaven, you are in heaven - Canada. I love America for the very same reason, you can live your life the way you like not to please your neighbour or distant cousin or your streetmate.
DeleteCouples cannot date until their wedding date is set? That's insane! How do you know if you really like the person or not? I know a couple who is from an arranged marriage and they grew to be very, very happy. I know that it works for some people, but I still can't imagine it. Thanks for teaching us all about it! It's always interesting to learn about other cultures :)
ReplyDeleteNo, Jax, it's called cultural brainwashing (aka tunnel vision with a pinch of arrogance toward the rest of the world) and the dictionary tells us culture is sacred, sometimes stupid and vague but always true and beyond questioning.
DeleteJax,
DeleteWhatever RCB said.
:)
Well put, young lady: 'Higher divorce rate is actually a thing to be welcomed in India because it translates to more freedom and more liberation.' I tried to arrange a marriage with Angie but she said no. So I just went down on my knees Hollywood style and she said yes. Ooooo the choices we people have but are afraid to consider. There's pressure everywere. Pressure to be a puppet and not live your own life. I salute you I raise my hat as well.
ReplyDeleteRC
hey RCB, I am giving virtual high-five to you. Did Angie make you take some mandatory course for marriage or what? How did you earn this much wisdom about Indian marriages?
DeleteYou have laid strong foundation dude. :) Congrats. Angie is a very very lucky gal.
I need to see your Sherwani picture, did you wear Sherwani or went with blue/white suit?
I know a couple people that were in an arranged marriage, they seemed happy so at least its not all bad =)
ReplyDeleteExactly, they SEEM happy but are they really happy? test it, I dare you, the next time you see this couple notice the non verbal clues, for example just by looking at them would you be able to tell that they were married if you didn't know this already.
DeleteSeem happy? Looks can be deceptive JDC ;-), but not denying that all arranged marriage couples are unhappy and grumpy and gloomy.The are genuine couples who develop this love after marriage with the partner chosen by their parents.
DeleteI know many families which shall look happy but their bedroom shall be collecting dust.
Some people do accept it as way of life and go along with it. I have close friends from conservative families telling me that they dont have liberty to have feelings about any girl or even have interest in any girl, because that may distract their mom and dad's wish of choosing a better bride for him. And they start to love their partner chosen by their parents after marriage. Yes, they are happy but kinda induced happiness.
It is hard to understand but it exists.
It is all a lie,it is like saying all girls who are in prostitution because they love sex...I know you are married and it was arranged
Deletein those arranged marriages, do parents sometimes follow whom their kids love and then just arrange the marriage, or that never happens?
ReplyDeleteNope that never happens, Indian parents have too much ego and pride they want to be the ones in charge end of story.
DeleteI disagree. In my family before they arrange a marriage or even think of doing so they always ask if there is "someone special". A lot of times there isn't, so then they follow a traditional arranged marriage, but when there is, they very rarely try to break up the couple. At least in my family.
DeleteIt does happen, atleast over the last decade things seem to improve. With this IT jobs, many youngsters become financially self-servient and those find their own partners mostly their co-workers or their college sweethearts.
DeleteIn India non-professional degrees have this "girls only" and "boys only" colleges but engineering, medicine etc have this "co-ed".The graduates from these, get job sooner and settle in life sooner than any other graduate.
So, they dont need to wait for their parent to look for their partner and these folks spend too much time in office due to the work culture thing in India, so they dont go out, instead find partners in their own firm ;-)
And morever the "marriage broker" finding a partner thing seem to have little prospect because lot of people now go for love marriage instead of arranged marriages and people who wait for their parent find partner are left with very less options and those options arent exactly. :)
Hey, you know what they say "good ones are always taken".
I think what makes a good marriage is both people trying their hardest to make it work...no matter how they hook up. In some ways it would of been easier to let someone else find me a wife..then again I'd never trust my mother as she has a wicked sense of humour :)
ReplyDeleteArranged marriage is more like stockholm syndrome to me. I have offended many with that metaphor.
DeleteWe dont have a list in our hand and look for a partner, and sometimes we kinda connect with the "the one" even if dont belong to our "dream spouse".
But in arranged marriages, parents prepare the CV for their kids listing their horoscope, salary, property details, sun and moon signs and parents' occupation and asset details with very little detail about the actual groom or bride. Doesnt sound catchy , does it?
Okay people you haven't heart everything yet: My cousin who is in India she is barely like 24 and all her family is really stressed with her marriage they are acting like she is old age. Why are they having a hard time finding a suitable match for her you ask? well the entire extended family has to like the boy and his family. Then to top things off everybody is like we have a negative point: The girl isn't good looking. short to say in an arranged marriage the girl must be slim fair and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThe entire extended family? A great way to make life complicated.
DeleteP.S. I'm about to get married with an Indian girl and her parents hate my though they've never met me. My girlfriend is the first one to do whatever the hell she wants. There is hope after all.
DeleteAngie is awesome RCB. And what's with this multiple personality avatar thing?
DeleteEntire extended family, doesnt surprise but made me vent out a huge sigh.. God, please save India from this arranged marriage thing. Please god, please.
Hear this out, i had an Indian boyfriend for 5 years. We spoke about this tradition of them about arranged marriage and he said he wont go for it being the reason why we persue our relationship( I'm not an indian). We had ups and downs (all relationships are has). We had a petty fight over the phone one day and have not spoke for like 2 weeks- only to find out that he just got engaged, arranged by his mom!
ReplyDeleteHe's not even ready to settle down as he wants his career life to be stable first before he introduce me to his mom and yet this event had happened. All he can tell me is that he cant do anything about it, he cant call off the engagement becasue he's doing it for his mom who's having health issues (but got the energy to organize the egagement).
He have not met the lady til the day of their engagement! I'm devastated about it but cant do anything anymore either. I pitty them both for its not a snap to create a relationship without any arguements between who doesnt even have a foundation to start with. Moreover, Indian family expectations are high - my ex is even struggling to meet the expectations of his parents what more to meet the expectations of his soon to be in-laws!
I'm sorry that you had to learn the hard way, but rarely should you take an Indian guy seriously, chances are he already knows he wants and arrange marriage but in the mean time whats it to him to have a great time at the expense of someone else. I'm also willing to bet that this dude was not born in America has minimal to know schooling in India and his arranged wife is from the land of the pure (India) she is a RN. The guy has no balls and thank your lucky stars he is removed from your life. Although the Kama Sutra originated in India, Indian guys are terrible in bed they act all cocky and rude, I've heard this one many times lol..........
Delete@anonymous
DeleteThanks for sharing. Though these dont surprise me, it is scary and sorrowful to read these.
I can totally understand this
" my ex is even struggling to meet the expectations of his parents what more to meet the expectations of his soon to be in-laws!"
- call this as Indian curse.
OMG!!!
DeleteThis sounds exactly the same as my story...Very sad! I have an Indian boyfriend for 2 years now /Im not Indian/.I found out after 1 year he was with me that he got married after knowing me for 5 months and now he has a 1 year old baby as well.
DeleteHe still promises everything to me, he will leaves his wife, get divorced to be with me.
Its very hard for me to believe that. Any Indians can you advise if it is possible? We are very close to each other, I know he loves me trully and he has no feelings to his wife...but still please advise can I believe in him, is there a chance he will choose me? Im opened for any advise....thanks
I am indian and i was living with my indian bf for 2 years. when we wanted to get married, their families astrologer predicts that he will have untimely death if he marries me. Although, we both dont believe in astrology, his parents do and he did not want to put his parents through the anguish and left me. And on learning this, my parents arranged my marriage with someone else. The guy my parents found seems like a good guy, but am not sure being a good guy is enough to fall in love since we lead very different lifestyles. And i cannot call off the wedding, because that would mean I can never get married to an indian due to the stigma involved in calling off a wedding. So I decided to move ahead with this arranged marriage and try to make the best of the bad situation.
DeleteI wish i wasnt indian and did not have to go through this wedding. But if i dont want to die lonely and single, this is my only chance.
DeleteAnd also, if i call off the wedding, my parents may die due to the stigma and shame involved.
This is such a cruel practice - attaching stigma to everything and controlling people's lives.
And astrology is such a sinful thing, I dont know why they make such predictions and separate young couples. And its impossible to make parents see that its not true. Because they have believed it for so many decades to be true.
UGH! If I was a bride to be being interviewed I'd be horrid! I can't imagine having a partner chosen for me. I mean what if when you first meet them you think "ERR, no" Not my type, not happening, he and I are NEVER gonna make babies! Why would any Mother want their children to be in an unhappy marriage for the rest of their life? I really don't get it and I feel truly sorry for both men and women who have to endure this. I'd run away.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel sorry for the men, they get to eat the cake and have it too: They get an arranged marriage typically someone from India who is naive docile and easily manipulated, they guy marries her for her good looks, domestic chores and sex when he is mistriss wont let him in her garage. the guy has an affair the entire community may be aware of this even the boys parents the bride and her parents are unknown to this fact and nobody says anything because gasp: it's going to lead to a break up. The Indian culture is quite strange if you ask me but politically it pays to be a man.............
Delete@Juliette
DeleteExactly. One would think that a mom cant see her daughter unhappy in her marriage and if struggles in that marriage, but sadly it isnt the case with these conservative folks.
You have heard about the honor killings and dowry killings rite? They still exist.
I even saw recent news about an 20 year Indian born American eloping with her American boyfriend and her brothers and dad called Airline and raised a fake bomb threat just to stop their sister's love interest in a non-indian guy.
In India, it drills further down to religion, caste, language, family background and all such.
My friend R-A-J said something very interesting: 'In India no one likes a fixed game of cricket, but a fixed marriage is absolutely no problem.'
ReplyDeleteThey don't have any balls to stand up for what they truly believe in......
DeleteHey RCB,
DeleteHearing that for first time. But good one and an awesome, will remember it for sure coz it may come in handy.
P.S. Who's the handsome guy in the batsuit?
ReplyDeleteWho was that's handsome masked man????
DeleteBipolar blue guy.
DeleteWhere have you been MaMTC?????? We miss you!!!!
ReplyDeleteSorry ..
DeleteBeautiful post! New follower, would love if you joined me!
ReplyDeleteinteresting to learn a bit about the arranged marriage tradition. I would idealistically say, of course, ppl should be able to have their own say/choice. Wonder how long a tradition like that could hold on, as we continue forward as a human race.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree. This arranged marriage thing should go into this "museum", "mayan" kinda thing.
DeleteThat was quite a post dear! You got me at "kids to be born around school year!" ROFL :)))This is the month of AADI & u can picturise the scene here as parents & ILaws are busy keeping the newly weds apart, its happening all around me! We were married in Dec & as AADI arrived in July my In Laws tried that trick on us and we wouldn't budge & struck like a glue LOL giving heartbreaks to my MIL :))that was my first cracker brush with her! I keep wondering when will these guys realize that 2 grownup individuals are married to each other and they are smart enough to decide things on there own!!!
ReplyDeleteI remember all those 80s 90s movies about this Aadi and do remember cases where the bride shall be shipped off to her parent's house during that mo nh.
DeleteHahahaha, good to hear about your mother-in-law's attempt to separate you both. Reminds me of Debra/Marie episode in "Everybody loves Raymond".
Why every Indian parent want to treat their adult kid like 2 year old till they grandparent themselves?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYou still floating around out there in the blogosphere? Elsie's not the only one who misses your stories and your opinions.
ReplyDeleteThanks Bryan. Sorry for going AWOL. Usually I dont have reason for my AWOL this time I had I think :(
DeleteVery sweet of you, Elsie, Dan, Katy to leave a message. Thank you, made me feel way way better during the down time.
Wow, this post. xD Nice blog btw :)
ReplyDeleteI am going through Me and My Thinking Cap withdrawals...
ReplyDelete@Katy
DeleteYou and I , both are in same boat Katy. I am sorry about things going on at your side. I hope and wish that everything turn out to be better soon.
Very interesting.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like arranged marriages are a bit like having a job, which would kind of suck if you didn't want that job in the first place and you really didn't have any say in it.
ReplyDeletehahaha, l love your analogy and it is 100% correct.
DeleteAnd when the husband is super bossy with lot of ego issues, think about the choiceless wife employee with 24/7 job. HELL raised to the power of infinity.
And Indian woman survive that every single day.
Haven't seen you around lately! I kinda miss your objectionable comments and playful banter! Hope to hear from you soon, Mama C!
ReplyDeleteThank you Dan for your comment. I am sorry for going AWOL. I am highly contagious when I am depressed, I take everyone down with me, so didnt want to spread that in blogonia - the happy place and NEVERLAND for bloggers.
DeleteThis is really interesting to read. Because the other day an Indian girl was telling her friends all about the wonders of arranged marriage and how much better it was compared to Western marriages.
ReplyDeleteAlso interesting, is one of my psychology textbooks claim that people in arranged marriages are happier in the long run but something tells me that study was probably biased.
"Biased study? " Exactly. I can vouch for that. You cant imagine how many times I had been railed on by these angry proud Indians who even sometimes leave angry messages in native language, asking me, teaching me and advising me what to write and what not to write.
DeleteAnd I had even got threats and tirades blaming me for putting the entire nation in shame.
I cant understand why still some cant handle the truth and instead try to mask the reality and try to paint a new picture.
Well... never argue with fools. In India you'll always find a good majority of people who'd like to hide behind "tradition and heritage" superficial crap without understanding what life truely about. I think ancient India was a much more modern place than India in last 300-400 years.
DeleteLOVELY BLOG
ReplyDeleteDO CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG
http://creativejewelsupdates.blogspot.in/
FOLLOW EACH OTHER ? LET ME KNWO 'LOVE
Very enlightening post here. Never thought of the divorce rate signalling a higher liberation rate in women in India.
ReplyDeleteThis post speaks my heart out...I am glad I am not the only one thinks arranged marriages are stupid.
ReplyDeleteMy parents gave me and my sister all the comforts and opportunities and education....to establish a career for ourselves in a country 8,000 miles away from home.
But when the time has come to get married.. (as everyone around them kept telling them) they chose someone, my family would not even have appreciated if we introduced him to them as a friend..
Now, I see my sister...a newly wed utterly unhappy and struggling in her life. I just do not understand why she has to undergo this. And neither her so called caring and stay at home husband or she are happy with it.
And the way my parents who have been broad minded through out all these years suddenly tell us to get used to it...sucks...
:( It is a curse to be born as a girl in India. No matter how successful in career or academics you are....all you end up being is a slave at the end of the day who buys her own misfortune with dowry.
Now tell me why there is lots of divorce in love marriage?.... Many people in this comment says that arrange marriage is stupid and bla bla bla... If they truely love each others before their marriage(in love marriage) , then why did they go for divorce with in one year?.... answer this to me.... In love marriage, most of you were saying that, before marriage itself we understand each others and we know each others. But why did they go for divorce after some years?... In love marriage, both couple is mainly matching them for only body attraction thats it.. after marriage , if they get satisfied in that , at once they go for divorce and remarried. You people dont know the meaning of Marriage, Marriage is not end up within bed room,its like sharing, happy , small fights, relation, friends etc... marriage should break down the "ego" with each others, and it shouldn't break down their relation. Am an indian girl, You all people think that still india is in stupid arrange marriage?.. Here in india we prefer the beautiful arranged marriage, this marriage is arranged by asking that couples to talk each others. its not forced by parents. Only after couple agree with this after that only marriage is held. Dont talk rubbish in our indian culture. Without knowing anything dont insult our culture. In our culture we see marriage as life long. Marraige is not for only sex.
ReplyDeleteFirst understand this. And also i respect love marriage but it shouldnt end with divorce. We were human, not an animal by searching for more men or women by living some days withone and after that divorce. Divorce can be accepted only once, as their first choice may go wrong.but after that remarriage if they go for second divorce , its the worst person not considered as human being...
My comment to you is that I respect indian culture a lot. But please answer me as an indian women: Why do indian men cheat on the wife if arrange marriage is so beautiful, secure and life lasting? Is this normal for arranged marriage? Where is the respect here?
DeleteI see these cheatings happening with my own eyes very very often......and its very disappointing.....
@anonymous
ReplyDeleteI usually get only spams with anonymous comments. Thanks for commenting and let me respond to you a little late.
Author,
ReplyDeletePlease do not show your personal emotions in writings.
1) Yes, In Indian society you can find couples living together for children and society. These are around 10% in Indian society. It is true that most of them do not go till divorce.
2) In any marriage 100% satisfaction can’t be achieved. If you can’t adjust, then it is better not to marry.
3) This article does not provide any details. There are many positives, but these were not discussed at all. You just search for arranged marriages and you will find many pros and cos.
4) Please go thru the article
http://www.divorcesaloon.com/2010/09/14/how-to-avoid-divorce-10-lessons-from-indian-marriages/
Also noticed most of the respondents here are from Western world and for you it is better to look at Italy rather than at India. Italy also has less divorced rate and it is developed country.
ReplyDeleteToo many anonymous comments. Thank you anonymous, for your comment and unsolicited advice on what to post and what not to post which isnt a surprise. I get this advice from Indians and again anonymous bloggers every singletime I post something about Indian culture. But I had never gotten single advice from non-Indians asking me not to post about America or racism or abortion or conservatives and christians and other such controversial topics. I wonder why.
ReplyDeleteThis is a public space though this is my personal blog where I voice my opinions loud. Feel free to voice your opinions back, I wont delete as long as comments and conversations are civil.
And thank you for that link. Pretty interesting. You took beef with my post but you are applauding the linked post?
"A successful marriage is all about sacrifice and putting the other person first. It is not about that pitter patter in your heart and your sweaty palms. Marriage is a very pragmatic and deliberate and unemotional thing. Well, it should be. Marriage is an arrangement, an agreement, a contract. It’s not about your heart. So get over that nonsense. It’s a recipe for DIVORCE. "
I would think that anyone would take beef with tone of the article instead you are happy ? It was written by a non-Indian in a very condescending tone about Indian marriage institution, and you are ok with that article. Really? Honestly I loved author's twisted sense of humor and satire and efficiency in elite mockery.
I loved these especially
- "ask the village to assist you" - exactly, have you seen a typical bridegroom interview?
- " should not marry outside your race" - so what if every human has same chromosomes, he wasnt born in X caste, with Y lastname and z country.
-"difficult to figure out the class system here in the U.S. but use things such as educational background, financial status and such variables to see if you have a good match up" - hahaha, as if the Asian, African, Latino, Native American, European and mulatos, coconuts, bananas stereotypes arent enough already.
-"do a horoscope before you marry" -"you are probably a highly accomplished, educated and intellectual being and that you do not believe in horoscopes, astrology and all this nonsense" - yep, when humans are travelling to Mars and Venus, here we decide life based on alignment of stars and decide the time to cross the road. Funny.
-"no premarital sex"
(Now, this is totally hypocritical, though, because I’ve had a few Indian friends over the years and they were all “doing it” before marriage but definitely don’t admit it if you do, and be sparing in your dabblings, and if necessary, consider reconstructive surgery of relevant parts to make up for any inefficiencies, if you know what I mean)
I got to sure give a round of applause.
-my favorite of all
"Dont date" - and the reason, made me chuckle.
But I agree with this,
"love your spouse more than you love yourself and you will avoid divorce for decades. Sacrifice for the marriage and the relationship. Fight for the marriage. Don’t give up just because you are unhappy. Fight through the unhappiness and eventually, you may be rewarded with hard fought for happiness" I dont know why author included this as well, it had lot of truth in it.
And author missed the below
- Kill the girl infants right after birth or before birth if you know the sex already
- polygamy - support polygamy for men, so that there could be no divorce
- Deny education to girl children, if they are educated they may demand a suitable bridegroom
- insist that cooking and birthing are what girls are born to do
- Physical abuse and emotional torture from childhood shall mould the girlchild to know her place and behave in her husband's home, afterall they are giving her food and shelter after marriage
What do you mean write about Italy? I am not an Italian, I havent been to Italy, and I am not married to an Italian and why exactly and what basis are you asking me to write about Italy?
ReplyDeleteI am not a surgeon, do you want me to perform heart surgery on you?
I am giving my honest opinions about things I love, I hate. You may agree or disagree and if want to do either of those please do so, you have every right to do so.
My readership demographic is in western world, yep, and I am in America, I am learning American culture and got to know little about other countries and their culture from their honest posts and opinions, if someone is sugarcoating something or if they try to mask the reality and paint a false picture, I stay away from those blogs. I choose not to read their hypocritical posts and comments.
If truth about India and Indians makes me loose face, I would try to do something about it or atleast teach my children.
Finger pointing some other culture or evading from India or hiding the truth - not sure how it is going to help.
Hi! I really liked your post! Someone who finally shares the same views on arranged marriage as me :) But it really spoke to me because im getting an arranged marriage as soon as i finish university...and Im in love with another boy :( I dont think it will ever work through...but i was wondering if you could help me because im doing an essay on why arranged marriages is a terrible idea, and wonderinf if you have any ideas on how to prove that point?
ReplyDeletehello, i tried this arranged marriage thing and so glad i gave up. Initially my ex and my in laws were all sugary till i fell ill could not procreate in time and was not the high earning daughter in law cum slave. My hubby and inlaws complained that I was career oriented even though I was very much a trailing spouse, did not cook, did not procreate etc etc etc. I decided it was a bit too much and after an year of verbal abuse left the home. Initially I was upset and then progressed in my career, found a nice Irish boyfriend and led life my way. The arranged marriage is wayyyyyy too oversold. Iam glad Indian women are finally getting a right to marital property that allows them to do away with nonsense of this kind
ReplyDeleteGreat information there, I have always wondered the right way to go about this, thanks for showing me!
ReplyDeleteDivorce lawyers Mumbai
Divorce always comes down to money. If Indians start earning more we may see rise in divorce.
ReplyDeleteIn an article in US San Diego's dating and relationship coach DeAnna Lorraine says higher costs may motivate couples to save their marriage.
"Instead of resorting to divorce, they may be more inclined to stick to alternative solutions, life therapy or a trial separation or whatnot.
People are unpredictable and sometimes messed up by ambitions, obligation etc. So be ready to what it take to make yourself get free . Avoid anything which hurts anyone at hard times of divorce and speak more truth and show more kindness. It saves a lot of trouble later . It is easy to get back to life later if divorce is done amicably and quickly.
I want to add that in some arranged marriages, guys with abnormalities (even serious mental issues let alone hidden physical ones) are married off to an unsuspecting girls under the excuse that the girl will "stabilize" them or that the solution for their mental instability is marriage.
ReplyDeleteI know from experience
~baer
Interesting discussion going on. But a lot of it is also biased, probably due to personal reasons.
ReplyDeleteI'm an Indian, a woman, a divorcee, a clinical psychologist, who has also worked with other couples in distress, and who also has work-experience in US (and has also dated an American while living in India). Further many of my closest friends are westerners. So I'm trying to be much more balanced in my perspective.
My first hand experience, the online matrimonial profiles of Indian men are rarely written by their families, and there is lot more attempt now of knowing each other. As I look for a partner there, I often get interests from un-married Indian men, and even younger men. So its is not so grey as portrayed here.
And I also know of this study in India where they found- over the years the 'liking' for spouse goes up in arranged marriage, while it comes down in love marriage. There are good reasons for that so no need to dismiss it as biased.
I also know what my american office mates would feel about their spouses (all love-marriages), as they would discuss it during our daily office lunch-break. Finally one of my successfully married American friend told me that she arranged her own marriage and has never regretted it.
I still get interests from western guys, but I wonder if I would prefer the amount of care & attachment my ex-husband had for me, who was an Indian, although I was the one filing for divorce. Or my ex-boy friend had for me, who was an American. I guess I am leaning towards Indian men :)
time is changing, earlier girls would never think of divorce, now at least they think of it. still it's tough for survival for divorcee. I am a divorcee,but none knows at my workplace and life is going good enough as long they don't know about my status.But I don't know how long it will carry on.Earlier marriage was arranged one and I was treated like an object.My life was hell.My in laws would say I married them and not my husband and later I came to know that He is Impotent.Well I accepted it.Divorce happened because they wanted it and not I. Now I realise life is far better.I have searched a guy and hopefully would marry in few months.What I feel is that India is not intellectually developed,people are highly educated but not mentally developed. I am lucky to get second chance.
ReplyDeleteThe psychologist doesn't know what she wants.She had an american boyfriend and an Indian ex-husband, and still confused.
I am an Indian and a woman who is married for 16 years with 2 kids. I had arranged marriage and I am very happy and off course my husband is also. India is a very diverse country, what you say might true in certain part of Indian but can be absolutely untrue for other parts. I met atleast 10-12 men before marrying my husband. I had complete liberty of choosing my husband. In fact there was a point when I was in two minds and was not sure to go ahead or not. Finally I said told yes to my parents and left my house to go to office. My father asked me if I was sure and I said yes. But he sensed something. I was standing at the bus stop to catch a bus for my office and saw my father walking to me. He told me I should not decide anything in hurry and should take my time to decide. At that time we were lower middle class family but my parents never forced me anything and had full liberty of choosing my husband though it was arranged marriage. In this case arranged means meeting between boy and a girl was arranged by parents, but you have full right to choose and decide whom you want to mary. Also if I had chosen any boy for myself my parents would not have ever objected it. My brother did love marriage after dating for 7 years when he was just 19.
ReplyDeleteAs I said, I have never seen any girl being forced for marriage around me in social class I am from. I am sure in Indian in certain areas/class they might be forced but that is what I mean. You will never understand whole India even when you are living in Indian because it is extremely diverse in many ways.
So, this article is based on half baked information.
About Marriage and Divorce
Every marriage even if you do it after many years of dating or you choose your partner as part of the arranged marriage, certain level of adjustment is required from both sides, not just by woman. It takes time to understand each other and accept each other as it is. Every marriage comes with some baggage of expectations from both sides. Slowly as you know each other, understand each other, you start accepting your partner without any expectations. It is very slow process.
Advantages in arranged marriages - 1. you get to choose who you want to marry, 2. you have support of your family from both sides.
3. Romance blooms as you try to discover each other. 4. Even if you have differences, as it is arranged marriage with acceptance from both sides you want to be together and you want to make it work. So you are ready to give more time. 5. you do not try to pretend as it can happen in love marriage. 6. Slowly as you discover your partner you find some -ve and at the same time some new and unexpected +ves. and still you do not know your partner completely, it keeps the relationship alive and more fun. 7. as long as +ves are more than -ves then it works which is the case most of the times.
In any marriage compatibility is very important and in proper arranged marriage in India parents help you find that person. If you have complete freedom to choose I will not call arranged marriage even conservative way.
Today, many young Indian men and women decide their marriages on Shahi.com etc. it is a technically modern form of arranged marriage.
What they do, they put their criteria and get the list of eligible future partners. They meet each other and decide.
Arranged marriage in my case worked exactly like that. My parents came up with boys who they thought are eligible based on certain criteria which both of us agreed upon. These sites are using the same model today.
We Care India provides Lumbar spine surgery India with excellent medical facilities. The reason Spine Surgery in India is becoming the favorable destination among Nigerian is because of the quality of surgery available at some of the best spine hospitals under the best spine surgeons at such an incredible low cost. Since India is also one of the most favorable tourist destinations in the world, Medication combined with tourism has come into effect, from which the concept of Medical Tourism in India is derived which is gaining huge popularity with every day. Success rate spinal surgery India
ReplyDeleteVery insightful article. I am a 28 yr old Indian girl, going through the unfortunate process of choosing the 'right' partner for an arranged marriage. I belong to an orthodox family and have fought with my parents most of my life for rights that would be basic for any woman in the west. I had to fight to go out of my small town for graduation. I fought to live in a hostel when I was in college, as opposed to an uncle's house 2hr commute away from the college. I fought to work and earn on my own. I fought everytime I was pressurized to marry someone from an acceptable family and caste because I did not like him. I wasnt raised to be independent, or to be able to choose my partner on my own but my curiosity kept me aware of the possibilities that lie, I grew up seeing suppressed women around me, that made me wonder.
ReplyDeleteTo give you a quick background of my family, I am the eldest of 3 siblings, I have a 4 yr younger sister and 12 yr younger baby brother. 12. My mother went through 4 abortions for the 'love' of a male child. She did as was told before the abortions but found strength in the embarrassment my father and his family would have to face if she went public with the facts. Like an 8 yr gap isnt obvious enough. My mother has ever since always fought for her rights and in many ways has been our (me and my sister) voice too. By the way my brother is an angel (raised mostly by us sisters), I hope every man could be what he would one day become.
Growing up I faced a lot of pressure regarding scoring well in exams, not because its good for me but it would make a better impression of my upbringing, I was a fat kid and always criticized for my weight, as a teenager my dad would sometimes tell my mother to ask me to change certain clothes because they made me look flat chested etc. But now I face a different kind of pressure and maaan it sucks! The agony of an arranged marriage!
Both my parents are also racists. They want me to marry only in my caste even though in the past 5 years they havent found anyone suitable and the ones they did were sexist idiots rejected by me. All my adult womanhood I was not allowed to have any boyfriends, even within the cast. My phone was constantly checked, my outings were supervised, which is why I wanted to get out of my town for graduation because I was being turned into a robot. Leaving my house was the best thing that happened to me. It gave me exposure and the courage to fight back and to my surprise fighting back with a relevant argument always worked. However I was still kept under the radar and constantly fed with things like love and lust are unacceptable before marriage. I being me did have boyfriends, but I never got attached to anyone, neither did I let anyone get attached to me, because no matter how strong and rebellious I was, I did not want to upset my parents. I remained single most of my life and concentrated on my work which I love. Their happiness does mean a lot to me. I just wish my happiness would mean the same to them.
Now that they cant find anyone suitable they have asked me to 'be free' and find someone in our caste within the next couple of months to get married to, if not I would have to 'give in' to their choice. I wish it was that easy. I always kept myself from falling in love because that is what I was taught. There was one time I was suppose to go to Pune for post grad, but I started talking to a boy from my caste living in the same city and my dad caught me talking to him on the phone so as a punishment the paid fee to the institution in Pune was withdrawn and I was grounded for 2 years.
DeleteHow do they expect me to just find someone when I was punished for doing the same over and over again?
I have now come to an opinion that marriage might not be even worth it. A woman is not just defined as a man's daughter or wife. The only reason why I would get married is to have kids, because I do love kids and looking at my 17 yr old brother I think I'm capable of raising wonderful children who will not grow up to be sexist, racist or hypocrites.
I wouldn't speak for most of the India but my example is a common one from the kind of society I come from. And my fight is still alive.
the biggest factor for what is happening in India is "fear" and our demand to create a false meaning of life, this happens in absence of courage and intelligence. Read OSHO for better explanation, there is isnt much difference in animals and current way we are living
ReplyDeleteI am working with MNC (8+ lkh, pkg). I can not choose my own life partner. Why? My dad is heart patient. I have one younger sister (two married), whose marriage may come at stake. My father and I, have paid 12 lkh in two marries as dowry (we tried hard to avoid but failed). My dad want at least 7 lkh as dowry. Normally I hate such things, but in my case I kept myself mum, as I feel, there is no wrong from my dad part (we sold our property to arrange dowry for my sister's marriage as match was good). My salary was not this much that time. Now my would be not fair, as I expected. Rest all is fine, she is working, tall and from good family. On other hand I can and have talk couple of girls who are good looking and from good cultural background. But my father would not agree as he is looking for dowry. need advice, would it be fair on my part to refuse anybody on the basis of color? Would it be absolute fine to go with a girl whom I like because of good look and good education? How should I decide who would be more suitable for me? one side father illness, sister marriage at stake. and other side (possibility) of unhappiness stored for me as I am very adjusting nature. I will never let my wife know, that I am unhappy. But will be work, should I choose other way round and go with my choice which has equal possibility in outcome?
ReplyDeleteI am working with MNC (8+ lkh, pkg). I can not choose my own life partner. Why? My dad is heart patient. I have one younger sister (two married), whose marriage may come at stake. My father and I, have paid 12 lkh in two marries as dowry (we tried hard to avoid but failed). My dad want at least 7 lkh as dowry. Normally I hate such things, but in my case I kept myself mum, as I feel, there is no wrong from my dad part (we sold our property to arrange dowry for my sister's marriage as match was good). My salary was not this much that time. Now my would be not fair, as I expected. Rest all is fine, she is working, tall and from good family. On other hand I can and have talk couple of girls who are good looking and from good cultural background. But my father would not agree as he is looking for dowry. need advice, would it be fair on my part to refuse anybody on the basis of color? Would it be absolute fine to go with a girl whom I like because of good look and good education? How should I decide who would be more suitable for me? one side father illness, sister marriage at stake. and other side (possibility) of unhappiness stored for me as I am very adjusting nature. I will never let my wife know, that I am unhappy. But will be work, should I choose other way round and go with my choice which has equal possibility in outcome?
ReplyDeleteReally good information about Indian Marraiges. If you are happy with your partner doesn't matter it is arranged or love. Both have happy & sad moments. In my ppoint of view both are equal. If many think arranged does not exist for long then even love marraiges also after some period comes for end.
ReplyDelete| Vivah | Shaadi |